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 »  Home  »  Croatian Language  »  Miro Gavran's comedy available as Croatian-English parallel text
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Miro Gavran's comedy available as Croatian-English parallel text
By Miro Gavran | Published  11/16/2007 | Croatian Language , Culture And Arts | Unrated
Act 4


4. nasip / automobil
(Nina, Boris)

(U pozadini scene je stražnji sic automobila. Ispred sica su dva reflektora, odnosno dva automobilska fara. Automobilski farovi se pale, čuje se zvuk automobila. Na sicu sjede Boris i Nina, ali ih publika ne može vidjeti zbog farova koji im udaraju u oči.)

NINA: Gdje smo to Boris, kamo voziš?

BORIS: Daleko od grada... Stigli smo. Ovdje ću parkirati.
(Zvuk zaustavljanja automobila.)

NINA: Pitam te gdje smo?

BORIS: Kod savskog nasipa. Daleko od civilizacije, daleko od kuća, od ljudi. Vidiš da je ovdje pustoš.

NINA: Ali, po nasipu netko može naići. Netko od džogera.

BORIS: Ne boj se, nitko ne džogira po noći.

NINA: Ali, po noći ljudi šeću pse. Da nas netko zatekne kako... umrla bih od srama.

BORIS: Ništa se ne boj. Dovoljno smo daleko od nasipa. A i ako naiđe netko, neće nas ni čuti ni vidjeti. Bit ćemo diskretni, tihi.

NINA: Svejedno, bojim se.

BORIS: Dobro je da se bojiš, to unosi adrenalin u ovo veče, u našu vezu. To je pozitivno.

NINA: Možda smo ipak trebali kod mene doma.

BORIS: Oprosti, ali sama si priznala da ti je doma već monotono, šablonski, klišeizirano. Ja sam obećao da ću smisliti nešto što će osvježiti našu vazu, i ja sam cijeli tjedan mislio o tome, dok se napokon nisam dosjetio seksa u autu. Pošto ti nikada nisi prakticirala seks u autu, ovo će za tebe biti neponovljivo iskustvo. Meni je to rutina, i mogu ti jamčiti da nema boljeg seksa od seksa u autu i to na stražnjem sjedalu.

NINA: Ma znam, ali kako ćemo sada...
BORIS: Sada se trebamo igrati i u igri će se sve dogoditi. Dakle, počinjemo s onim: "Ide, ide mali mrav..." i stiže mrav do tvoje veste koja mu jako smeta. I mravac želi da ti skine vesticu.

NINA: Sama ću Boris, pusti, sama ću. Samo mi daj minutu-dvije da se prilagodim na ove okolnosti, daj mi minutu da se odmorim, da popušim cigaretu prije nego li počnemo. Znaš da me cigareta smiruje. Nadam se da nemaš ništa protiv jedne cigarete.

BORIS: Dobro, popuši. Mada znaš da mi dim smeta. Dok ti pušiš ja ću malo protegnuti noge, da vidim gdje smo to.
(Boris dođe pred publiku, ispred farova.)

BORIS: To sa seksom u autu, to me je uvijek privlačilo. To je za moju generaciju bio uobičajen način ulaska u svijet erotike. Uvijek sam zavidio dečkima koji su prepričavali svoje doživljaje o seksu na zadnjem sjedalu automobila. U mašti sam sve to mogao zamisliti kao da sma bio ondje i držao fenjer opisanom napaljenom paru. Na žalost, to sâm nikada nisam iskusio. Za mene je u mladosti seks u automobilu ostao trajna nepoznanica zbog jednog banalnog razloga - nisam imao svoj automobil. Tek u sedmoj godini našeg braka, moja žena i ja smo kupili automobil, ako se Renault 4 može nazvati automobilom. Bilo mi je neugodno rođenoj ženi predložiti da se seksamo u automobilu. Pomislila bi da sam nastran. I tako, tek danas u četrdeset i osmoj godini iskusit ću ono o čemu sam počeo maštati prije točno trideset godina. Nina misli da sam majstor u tome, a pojma nemam kako na pola kvadratnog metra obaviti posao koji inače obavljam u prostranim krevetima. Sad vam je valjda jasno zašto sam uzbuđen i zašto mi ide na živce to što je u ovom historijskom trenutku odlučila popušiti cigaretu.
(Boris se vrati u "auto".)

BORIS: Stigao je tvoj mačor, mrnjau! Stigao je tvoj medvjed Brundo, bru, bru! Hajde dušo, "ide, ide mali mrav".

NINA: Evo, ljubavi, evo... Daj mi malo mjesta, evo ovako... odi malo na stranu. A sad poljubi svoju bubicu golubicu, sad će tebe bubica golubica svojim krilcima...

BORIS: Pazi Nina, mjenjač! Pazi!

NINA: U redu, u redu, pazim.

BORIS: "Ide, ide mali mrav".

NINA: Dođi mravac, dođi mravac... Muci, muci, mačore... Čekaj, Boris, kako da se sad skinem?!

BORIS: Nekako, polako, daj bar... Pa nisi morala baš u hlačama, sve bi bilo lakše da si došla u suknji.

NINA: Pomozi mi.

BORIS: Pazi, samo malo, pazi!

NINA: Što mi to sad radiš? Pa ne mogu tako - težak si mi, ne mogu se od tebe ni skinuti, ni disati... Čovječe, ne ide, stvarno ne ide. Da bar imaš veći auto.

BORIS: Neki su moji prijatelji to radili i u Fići. "Boj ne bije svjetlo oružje". Samo se opusti, evo sad ću ti ja pomoći, samo da... Joj!

NINA: Što ti je?!

BORIS: Leđa! Uklješitlo me u leđima.

NINA: Ležiš na meni, čovječe!

BORIS: Čekaj! Boli, pazi! Stani malo, ajoj! Daj polako da se izvučemo iz auta. Može mala pauza?

NINA: Može, treba mi zraka.
BORIS: Joj, polako, ja moram prvi.
(Izlaze iz "automobila" i dolaze pred farove. Boris je raskopčan, Nina je u bijeloj majici, u ruci nosi vestu.)

NINA: Vani je hladno.
(Nina navlači vestu, Boris se zakopčava.)

NINA: Zašto si inzistirao da ovo moramo napraviti baš danas?

BORIS: Oprosti, morao sam te danas vidjeti, mada smo se dogovorili da dođem sutra k tebi doma - navečer, nakon posla. Danas je važan dan i morao sam te imati makar samo na pet minuta. Danas je važan dan - okrugli datum - dan koji zaslužuje da bude obilježen kao poseban. Hajde, sjeti se - što je danas?

NINA: Danas je... pojma nemam. Što je danas? Godišnjica Oktobarske revolucije?

BORIS: Nešto još važnije za nas dvoje - hajde napregni vijuge, mućni glavom.

NINA: ...ma daj Boris, ne muči me više, što je danas?

BORIS: Na današnji dan, prije točno mjesec dana ti si me nazvala i pozvala da dođem k tebi doma, nakon posla, i na današnji dan smo se nas dvoje pomirli, i moj život je dobio novi smisao - ja sam opet najsretniji čovjek u glavnom gradu naše domovine.

NINA: I zato smo morali doći ovdje pred nasip?

BORIS: Ne samo zato, nego i da ti dam jedan prelijepi dar.
(Boris ode do "auta" gdje uzme aktn-tašnu. Brzo se vrati. Boris počinje otvarati aktn-tašnu.)

NINA: Nadam se da nije pjesma.

BORIS: Nije, ne boj se - nešto mnogo ljepše.
(Iz torbe izvadi jednu ofucanu ružu.)

BORIS: Ruža za ružu.

NINA: O, Boris, pa nisi se morao trošiti.

BORIS: Pa, moram i ja ponekad pokazati koliko te volim.

NINA: Hvala dušo!
(Uzme ružu, on joj dade poljubac u čelo.)

NINA: Ne bih se ljutila ni da si mi donio cijeli buket. Mi žene volimo cvijeće.

BORIS: A, ne, buket nipošto - to je tako skupo i prostački, buket u ovom gradu košta pravo malo bogatstvo, a ja ne bih želio da ti pomisliš da ja tvoju ljubav želim kupiti novcem i razmetanjem. Pravi kavalir je uvijek decentan i skroman. Ipak, ja nisam grčki brodovlasnik.

NINA: Na žalost.

BORIS: Što si rekla?

NINA: Ništa, ništa.
(Kratka šutnja.)

BORIS: Došao sam ti i zbog još jedne stvari - danas sam u uredu napravio plan za idućih šest subota i za šest gradova u Sloveniji i Hrvatskoj koje ću obići... naravno zajedno s tobom. Radi se o sjajnim gradovima.
(Izvuče papir iz aktn-tašne.)

BORIS: Ovako - po redoslijedu događanja, naše avanture, naši predivni izleti idu ovim redom: prva subota - Ptuj, druga subota - Lepoglava, potom Ajdovščina, Zabok, Postojna i Ludbreg.

NINA : Negdje si mogao ugurati i Pariz ili London.

BORIS: Na žalost, naši proizvodi nisu atraktivni za zapadno tržište... Ljubavi, opet ćemo uživati kao nekada kradući ljubav, po slatkim gradićima, po skromnim hotelčićima, naša romansa se nastavlja, kao u najljepše dane prije pet i pol godina, kada smo počeli, kada smo otkrili ljepotu dodira naših tijela, radost konspirativne igre...

NINA: Boris, ja sam upisala postdiplomski i meni subote trebaju za učenje.

BORIS: Ma daj, možeš učiti preko tjedna.
NINA: I preko tjedna mi dolaziš doma. Molim te, dušo, prebaci u nižu brzinu, ja moram misliti i na svoj posao i na svoje prijateljice. Roditelje nisam obišla već dva mjeseca, pa znaš...

BORIS: Čekaj dušo, čekaj - uvijek sam ti govorio da ne postoji važnija i uzvišenija stvar u životu od ljubavi. I uvijek si se slagala sa mnom u tome. Je li tako?

NINA: Ma ne možeš sad.

BORIS: Molim te reci je li tako?
(Šutnja.)

NINA: A što ako tvoja žena posumnja?

BORIS: Ma daj, njoj tako nešto nikada ne bi palo na um.

NINA: Sigurno?

BORIS: Garant.

NINA: Svejedno - budi oprezan
.
BORIS: Ja sam najlukaviji muž u Europi - uvijek imam po dva alibija u rezervi.

NINA: I najlukaviji mogu pogriješiti.
BORIS: Oni možda ponekad, ali ja nikada.

NINA: Da se vratimo u auto, pa da obavimo to zbog čega smo došli.

BORIS: Čuj... ja bih radije kod tebe doma. Ovdje je tako nespretno, a i leđa me bole.

NINA: Slažem se. Auto je ipak osmišljen za vožnju, a krevet...

 


4. The Levee by the River / A Car
(Nina, Boris)

(The back seat of a car is in the background of the scene. There are two reflectors, that is, two headlights in front of the seat. The car's headlights come on, the sound of the engine is heard. Boris and Nina are sitting in the car but the audience cannot see them because of the glare of the headlights that are shining from the stage into their eyes.)

NINA: Where are we Boris, where are you driving to?

BORIS: Far away from the city... Here we are. I'll park here.
(The sound of the car stopping.)

NINA: I am asking you where we are.

BORIS: Near the Sava River levee. Far from civilisation, far from home, and far from people. You can see it's a wilderness here.

NINA: But someone could come along the levee. Some of those joggers.

BORIS: Don't be afraid, no-one jogs here at night.

NINA: But people do walk their dogs at night. If anyone were to catch us here while we were... I would die of shame.

BORIS: There's nothing to be afraid of. We are far enough away from the levee. And if someone were to chance along, they wouldn't hear us or see us. We will be so discreet and quiet.

NINA: I'm frightened all the same.

BORIS: It's a good thing that you are scared. It introduces adrenaline into this evening and our relationship. That's a positive element.

NINA: Perhaps we should have gone to my place.

BORIS: Excuse me... you were the one who admitted that it was already monotonous at your place... that it had become a routine, a cliché. I promised I would think of something that would add zest to our relationship and I thought about it all week, until I finally came up with sex in the car. Since you have never gotten into sex in a car, this will be an unforgettable experience for you. It's routine to me and I can guarantee that there is no better sex than sex in a car, especially on the back seat.

NINA: Well I know, but how will we now...
BORIS: Now we have to play and everything will happen during the game. So, this is how we start: "This little pig went to market... " and he reaches your sweater and it really bothers him. And the little piggy wants you to take off your sweater.

NINA: I'll do it myself, Boris, leave it, I'll do it myself. Just give me a minute or two to get used to this situation, give me a moment to smoke a cigarette before we start. You know that a cigarette calms me down. You surely don't mind if I smoke just one cigarette.

BORIS: Alright, have a cigarette. Although you know that the smoke bothers me. While you are smoking I shall stretch my legs a bit, to see where we are.
(Boris comes out in front of the audience, in front of the headlights.)

BORIS: All that about sex in the car - it has always attracted me. It was the customary way of entry into the world of eroticism for my generation. I always envied blokes who talked about their experiences with sex on the back seats of cars. I could imagine it all as if I had been there and held a lamp for the horny couple being described. Unfortunately, I never experienced it. As far as I was concerned when I was young, sex in a car remained a permanent secret for just one banal reason - I didn't have my own car. It was only in the seventh year of my marriage that my wife and I bought an automobile, if a Renault 4 can be called an automobile. It would have made me uncomfortable to suggest to my very own wife that we have sex in the car. She would have thought me a pervert. And so, it is only now in my forty-eighth year that I shall savour what I started dreaming about exactly thirty years ago. Nina thinks that I am expert at it, but I have no idea how to perform in half a square metre of space, instead of the usual roomy bed. So you can probably understand why I am no excited and why it gets on my nerves that she has decided to smoke a cigarette at this historical moment.
(Boris returns to the seat of the "car".)

BORIS: Here comes your Tom-cat, miaaou! Here comes your teddy-bear Bruno, mmmrr, mmmrr! Come on, Sweetheart, "This little piggy went all the way... ".

NINA: There, love, there... Just give me a bit of room, that's it... move over a bit. And now kiss your little turtle dove, and your little dove will spread her wings around you...

BORIS: Watch out, Nina, the gear shift! Careful!

NINA: Alright, alright, I'm being careful.

BORIS: "... all the way home".

NINA: Come on, little piggy... Miaou, miaou, my tomcat... Wait, Boris, how can I take off my clothes now?

BORIS: You can do it, slowly, if only... You didn't have to wear trousers, it would all have been easier if you had come in a skirt.

NINA: Help me.

BORIS: Careful, just a moment, careful!
NINA: What are you doing now? I can't do anything that way - you are heavy, I can't take off my clothes, or even breathe... Man, it's just not working. If you only had a larger car.

BORIS: Some of my friends used to do it in that little Fiat. ŤIt's not the polished weapons that win the battleť. Relax, I'll help you, if only... Ahhh!

NINA: What is it?

BORIS: My back! I've pinched a nerve in my back.

NINA: Man, you are lying on top of me!
BORIS: Wait! It hurts, careful! Wait a minute, ohhh! Let's just get slowly out of the car. Can we stop for a moment?

NINA: Yes, but I need air.

BORIS: Ouch, slowly now, I have to go first.
(They get out of the Ťcarť and come out in front of the headlights. Boris clothes are unbuttoned, Nina is wearing a white T-shirt and carrying a cardigan.)

NINA: It's cold outside.
(Nina puts on her cardigan, Boris does up his buttons.)

NINA: Why did you insist that we had to do this today?

BORIS: I'm sorry, I had to see you today, even though we agreed that I would come to your place tomorrow - after work, in the evening. Today is an important day and I had to have you for at least five minutes. Today is an important day - a round date - a day that deserves to be celebrated as special. Go on, do you remember - what day is it today?

NINA: Today is... I have no idea. What day is it? The anniversary of the October Revolution?

BORIS: Something more important for the two of us - come on, think!

NINA: ...come on, Boris, stop torturing me, what day is it?

BORIS: On today's day, exactly a month ago, you rang me and invited me to your place after work, and on today's day we made up and my life was given new meaning - I am once again the happiest man in the capital city of our homeland.

NINA: And that is why we had to come here to the levee?

BORIS: Not just because of that, but so that I could give you a lovely present.
(Boris goes to the "car" and takes out his briefcase. He quickly returns. He starts to open the briefcase.)

NINA: I hope it's not a poem.

BORIS: No it isn't, don't worry - something much lovelier.
(He takes a single, wilted rose out of the briefcase.)

BORIS: A rose for a rose.

NINA: Oh, Boris, you didn't have to spend money on me.

BORIS: Well, I have to show you sometimes how much I love you.

NINA: Thank you, Sweetheart!
(She takes the rose, and he kisses her on the forehead.)

NINA: I wouldn't have been offended if you had brought me a whole bouquet. We women love flowers.

BORIS: Ah no, never a bouquet - that is so expensive and boorish, in this town a bouquet costs an entire fortune, and I would not want you to think that I want to buy your love with money and extravagance. After all, I am not a Greek ship-owner.

NINA: Unfortunately.

BORIS: What did you say?

NINA: Nothing, nothing at all.
(A brief silence.)

BORIS: I also wanted to see you about something else - today in the office I compiled a schedule for the next six Saturdays and for the six towns in Slovenia and in Croatia that I shall be visiting... with you of course. They are all great places.
(He takes a sheet of paper out of his briefcase.)

BORIS: This is how it will go - in the order of events, our adventures, our wonderful trips will be in this order: the first Saturday - Ptuj, the second Saturday - Lepoglava, and then Ajdovšcina, Zabok, Postojna and Ludbreg.

NINA : Couldn't you have squeezed Paris or London in somewhere.

BORIS: Unfortunately, our products are not attractive to the western market... My love, we will once again enjoy our stolen love the way we used to, in sweet little towns, and modestly small hotels, our romance will continue as in those most beautiful days five and a half years ago, when we started, when we discovered the joy of our bodies coming together, the joys of games of conspiracy...

NINA: Boris, I have enrolled in post-graduate courses and I need my Saturdays free for study.

BORIS: Come on, you can study during the week.

NINA: But you come to my place during the week, too. Please, my sweet, switch down to a lower gear, I have to think of my job and my friends. I haven't visited my parents for two months, so you know...

BORIS: Wait a minute, my darling - I have always told you that there is nothing more important and sublime in life than love. And you have always agreed with me. Isn't that so?

NINA: You can't...

BORIS: Please tell me, isn't that so?
(Silence.)

NINA: And what if you wife gets suspicious?

BORIS: Out of the question, she would never think of anything like that.

NINA: Are you sure?

BORIS: I guarantee it.

NINA: All the same - be careful.

BORIS: I am the smartest husband in Europe - I always have two alibis in reserve.

NINA: Even the smartest can make a mistake.

BORIS: Others maybe, but me, never.

NINA: Should we get into the car, and do what we came here to do?

BORIS: Look... I would rather we went to your place. It's so awkward here, and my back aches.

NINA: I agree. Cars were meant to be drive in, while beds are something else...


 

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