2. (kuhinja)
(Boris i Mia)

(Mia je u kuhinji, u ruci ima šalicu s čajem. Ulazi Boris.

MIA: Bog.

BORIS: Bog.

MIA: Otkud ti tako rano? Mislila sam da ćeš tek u pet.

BORIS: Obavio sam sve poslove u uredu, a na općinu sam morao odnijeti papire... to je bilo brzo gotovo, pa se više nisam želio vraćati na posao, nego lijepo otići svojoj kućici, svojoj ženici... Dosta sam se i ja naradio u svome životu, vrijeme je da i ja malo uživam u ljepoti obiteljskog života, u bračnoj zajednici, kraj kamina.

MIA: Mi imamo centralno grijanje i obične radijatore.

BORIS: Znam, ali to se tako kaže "kraj kamina" to je oznaka topline obiteljskog doma... Inače, sreo sam svog prijatelja iz osnovne škole, Marijana - nismo se vidjeli već osam godina, nekada smo bili najbolji prijatelji... on je od mene prepisivao povijest, a ja od njega matematiku... njemu datumi baš nisu išli, sve je mogao zapamtiti, jako pametan dečko, ali povijesne datume, to mu nikako nije išlo, i sad priča on meni o svojoj ženi i o svoja dva sina, njihovi su puno mlađi od naših, a ja njemu pričam o tebi i našoj djeci, i onda on meni kaže bilo bi dobro da se vidimo, da nam se žene i djeca upoznaju, a ja njemu kažem: mogli bismo ovu subotu u gljive, svi zajedno: tvoja obitelj i moja obitelj, najljepše je druženje u prirodi, i on pristao, i tako: imamo dogovoreno i ovu subotu.

MIA: Čekaj, Boris, pa znaš da ja ovu subotu idem na hipodrom, na jahanje. Već četiri subote nisam bila na hipodromu. Pegaz će zaboraviti i kako izgledam. Dogovorila sam se i s Milenom i sa curama, ja stvarno ne mogu...

BORIS: Ali, ja sam obećao čovjeku, ne možeš mi to učiniti. Ja želim da mi kao obitelj budemo istinska zajednica.

MIA: Punih pet godina nije te bilo niti za jedan vikend doma, a sad odjednom već tri mjeseca, svake subote nas vodiš ili u planinarenje ili u pecanje ribe na rijeku, ili... To je preintenzivno i za mene i za djecu! Odjednom, naglo!

BORIS: To je zato što vas volim. Ja znam da sam vas godinama zanemarivao, ali sad sam napokon u poziciji da kao šef najuspješnije grupe trgovačkih putnika mogu ostati doma kada poželim, u poziciji sam da druge mogu poslati na put... sad se napokon mogu do kraja posvetiti i svojoj ženici i svojoj dječici. Ja sam napokon otkrio ljepotu obiteljskog života, ljepotu bračnog gnijezda, meni je tako žao što sam godinama živio pod stresom i što sam vas godinama toliko zanemarivao i ja želim sve to nadoknaditi i tebi i našoj dječici, a i sebi.

MIA: Slušaj: naša dječica više nisu dječica. Bojan ima dvadeset godina, a Alida dvadeset i dvije.

BORIS: Djeca su uvijek djeca, i vječno im treba roditeljska ljubav i pažnja. Vidjela si kako uživaju što ih u zadnje vrijeme uvijek negdje vodim, što smo nedjeljom uveli obiteljski ručak kao svetinju. U protekla tri mjeseca nisu odbili niti jedan moj prijedlog.

MIA: To je zato jer su mislili da si bolestan.

BORIS: Da sam bolestan?

MIA: Da. Prošlog tjedna su Bojan i Alida popričali sa mnom i otkrili su mi da su bili čvrsto uvjereni da si ti bolestan od neke neizlječive bolesti. Prije tri mjeseca si pao u neku depresiju, bio si tako potišten, i oni su bili uvjereni... a onda si nam svima počeo diktirati novi stil života i zajedničke izlete, obiteljske ručkove i...

BORIS: Bio sam siguran da su u tome uživali. U našem obnovljenom zajedništvu.

MIA: Pred tobom su glumili da u tome uživaju, samo da opet ne upadneš u onu depresiju. Kad sam im rekla da ne boluješ ni od čega, rekli su mi da više nemaju snage pred tobom glumiti malu djecu, da si im naporan... Bojan je zanemario svoju djevojku, Alida je zanemarila svoga dečka.

BOJAN: Ma daj, kakva djevojka, kakav mladić, ne vjerujem ti... uvjeren sam da će ovu subotu sa nama u gljive.

MIA: E, neće. Tisuću od sto neće.

BORIS: Zašto?

MIA: Jer se sele u svoj stan. Iznajmili su dvosobni stan i ovu subotu se sele. Žele živjeti svojim životom bez oca i majke.

BORIS: E, bogme to neće ići, ne pada mi na pamet da im plaćam podstanarski stan. Ja sam u njihovim godinama već radio, zarađivao, a oni... propali studenti koji gledaju kako da mi isišu i zadnju kap krvi, ne pada mi na pamet da im plaćam stan.

MIA: Pa i ne moraš. Djed i baka su obećali da će im plaćati stanarinu.

BORIS: Djed i baka?

MIA: Da.

BORIS: Tvoji roditelji?

MIA: Tako je.

BORIS: Oni mi se uvijek upetljaju u život kad ne treba i kad to od njih najmanje očekujem.

MIA: Šta ti sad oni smetaju?! Umjesto da si sretan da se brinu za našu djecu, da ih financijski potpomažu, ti im to još i zamjeraš.

BORIS: Mogli su se sa mnom prvo dogovoriti.
(Boris se okrene prema publici.)

BORIS: Taj njezin otac, ta njezina majka, to su takvi ljudi da bi i svetog Franju izbacili iz takta. Njezin otac je razmazio kćerku preko svake mjere, kao da ju je pripremao za život na engleskom dvoru. Kad sam se ja pojavio u životu njegove ljubimice, odmah mi je dao do znanja da ona zaslužuje nešto mnogo bolje, da sam ja tek privremeno nužno zlo. A njezina majka, ta stara lajava alapača iz dobrostojeće obitelji, kada sam prvi put došao kod njih doma na upoznavanje rekla je: "Znate, Boris, u našoj obitelji postoje neka pravila." Ta njena pravila su mi zagorčila život na početku braka. Uvijek su držali štangu svojoj umišljenoj prepotentnoj kćerki, ne propuštajući niti jednu priliku da mi naglase da sam u taj brak ušao kao goljo, bez novca, bez stana, bez ičega. I sad u zrelim godinama, kada sam marljivim radom stekao nešto, sada se petljaju u život moje djece.
(Boris se vrati u scenu s Miom.)

BORIS: Doista su se mogli prvo sa mnom dogovoriti oko toga stana, a ne ovako.

MIA: A što bi ti... zabranio im da im plate stan. Shvati čovječe: djeca su ti velika i žele svoj život.

BORIS: Ali ja im želim dati sebe, svoje vrijeme, svoju pažnju. Ja napokon imam vremena za njih, za tebe. Ja želim da mi budemo prava sretna obitelj.

MIA: Mogao si se toga sjetiti prije dvadeset godina. Sve ove godine samo sam se ja brinula za djecu. I to uz posao koji je teži od tvoga. Znaš kakva je dinamika u našem osiguravajućem društvu. Jedino sam te uspjela umoliti da ti ideš u školu na roditeljske sastanke i na informacije, jer mi je bilo neugodno ići slušati kako se grozno ponašaju. A grozno su se ponašali zato jer oca nikada nije bilo doma.

BORIS: Pa kad sam trgovački putnik, kako sam mogao biti doma?!

MIA: Mogao si da si htio.

BORIS: Znači u subotu samo ti ideš sa mnom u gljive.

MIA: A hipodrom?! A Pegaz?!

BORIS: Molim te, nemoj me bar ti iznevjeriti... Inače, napravio sam plan za idućih mjesec dana, plan za četiri vikenda koja želim provesti s tobom i s našom djecom... dobro mogu na smjenu s nama biti jedan vikend sin, a drugi vikend kćerka, ali ja to očekujem, želim i zahtijevam. Ja moram nadoknaditi sve ove godine koje sam vas zanemarivao, i to će tako biti htjeli vi to ili ne. Ja sam ipak glava obitelji. A sad se idem otuširati, pa onda možemo u miru jesti i razgovarati.
(Boris iziđe.)
(Mia se okrene prema publici.)

MIA: Strašno je to s muževima. U prvoj fazi, na početku braka, bez prestanka su s vama u svakom trenutku, onda ih u drugoj fazi, nekih dvadeset ili trideset godina uopće nema, a onda naglo nastupi treća faza kada vam više ne izlaze iz stana. Da ne bi bilo zabune prva i treća faza, i pored izvanjske sličnosti, suštinski nemaju ničega zajedničkog. Jer prva faza ostaje trajno neponovljiva, zato što nikada nitko nije zagazio u istu vodu, što reče onaj Grk... I što da radim sada s njim po čitav dan u kući. O čemu da pričamo? On, za razliku od mene, nikada nije čitao knjige, njega filmovi ne zanimaju, koncerti mu idu na živce, o modi ne zna ništa. Ne mogu po čitav dan pričati o gljivama, sportu i cijeni artikala koje prodaju njegovi trgovački putnici. Kada sam bila mlada žena s malom, zločestom, hiperaktivnom djecom, mislila sam da ću izludjeti, jer mi nema muža doma. A sada znam da ću izludjeti s njim.

2. (A Kitchen)
(Boris and Mia)

(Mia is in the kitchen, holding a cup of tea. Boris comes in.)

MIA: Hey!

BORIS: Hey!

MIA: What are you doing home so early? I was expecting you at five.

BORIS: I finished up things in the office, and I had to take some papers in to the Council... that was finished quickly, and I didn't want to go back to the office, but to my little home and my little wife... I have worked enough in this lifetime, it's time for me to enjoy a little of the beauty of family life, of marriage, beside the fireplace.

MIA: We have central heating and ordinary radiators.

BORIS: I know, but that's the way it's said, "beside the fireplace", itýs a symbol for the warmth of the family home... Otherwise, I ran into Marko, my mate from elementary school - we haven't seen each other for eight years, and we used to be the best of friends... he used to copy history from me, and I used to copy mathematics from him... he was just no good with dates, he could remember everything, a very bright boy, but historical dates, he was just no good at them, and he started talking about his wife and his two sons, they are much younger than our children, but I told him about you and our children, and then he said it would be great if we could get together for our wives and children to meet, and I said to him: we could go collecting mushrooms this Saturday, all together - your family and my family, and there's nothing lovelier than socialising in the fresh air, and he agreed, and so: we have something arranged for this Saturday, too.

MIA: Wait a minute, Boris, you know that I am going riding at the Hippodrome this Saturday. I haven't been now for four Saturdays running. Pegasus will forget what I look like. I have made arrangements with Milena and the girls, and I really can't...

BORIS: But I promised the man, you can't do that to me. I want us to really stick together as a real family.
MIA: You were never home for even one weekend for a full five years, and now, all of sudden, for three months you have been taking us somewhere every Saturday, if it's not fishing on the river it's excursions up into the mountains, or... It's all too intensive for me and for the children! All of a sudden, just like that!

BORIS: It's because I love you. I know I have neglected you for years, but now I am finally in a position, as the head of the most successful group of commercial salesmen, to stay home whenever I feel like it, and to send others out into the field... now I can finally dedicate myself fully to my little wife and to my children. I have finally discovered the beauty of family life, the beauty of the nuptial nest, it's as though I have lived under stress for years and have neglected you so much for years, but now I want to make it up to you and to our little children, and to myself.

MIA: Listen: our children are not little any more. Boyan is twenty and Alida is twenty-two.

BORIS: Children are always children, and they always need their parents' love and attention. You have seen how they have enjoyed me always taking them somewhere lately, and that we have introduced the Sunday family lunch as something sacred.

MIA: That's because they thought you were ill.

BORIS: That I was ill?

MIA: Yes. Boyan and Alida talked with me last week and confessed that they were convinced that you were suffering from some incurable disease. You suddenly seemed so depressed about three months ago, you were so down-hearted, and they were sure... and then you started dictating a new lifestyle to all of us and all these excursions together, and family lunches and...

BORIS: I was sure they enjoyed it all. Our renewed togetherness.

MIA: They pretended to you in front of you, anything to prevent you becoming so blue again. When I told them that you were not suffering from any illness, they said that they did not have the energy any more to act like little children for you, that you had become so demanding... Boyan was neglecting his girlfriend, and Alida her boyfriend.

BOJAN: What's that, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, I don't believe you... I am sure they will go mushroom gathering with us this Saturday.

MIA: Ah no, they won't. A thousand to one they won't.

BORIS: Why?

MIA: Because they are moving into their flat. They have rented a two-room flat and they are moving in this Saturday. They want to live their own lives without their mother and their father.

BORIS: They can forget about that because it is out of the question that I pay for them to rent a flat. At their age, I was already working, earning my own money, and they... failed students who only want to bleed me dry. There is no way that I will be paying for that flat.

MIA: You won't have to. Grandpa and Grandma have promised to pay the rent.

BORIS: Grandpa and Grandma?

MIA: Yes.

BORIS: Your parents?

MIA: That's right.

BORIS: They are always interfering in my life when they shouldn't and when I least expect it.

MIA: Why do they bother you?! Instead of being happy that they care for our children, that they are prepared to help them financially, you hold it against them.

BORIS: They could have discussed it with me first.
(Boris turns towards the audience.)

BORIS: That father of hers, and her mother, they are the sort of people that would have made St Francis of Assisi lose his temper. Her father spoilt his daughter beyond belief, as if he was preparing her for life at the British court. When I appeared in the life of his little angel, he let me know straight away that she deserved much better than me, that I was just a temporary, necessary evil. And her mother, that noisy old harridan from a wealthy family, when I went to their place to meet them for the first time she said: "You know, Boris, there are certain rules in our family." Those rules of hers made my life a misery at the beginning of my married life. They were always on the side of their spoilt, conceited daughter, and never lost an opportunity to stress that I came into that marriage with just the clothes on my back, without money, without a flat, without anything. And now in my mature years, when I have made something of myself through hard work, now they meddle in the lives of my children.
(Boris returns to the scene with Mia.)

BORIS: They really should have talked over this business of the flat with me first, and not behave like this.

MIA: And what would you have done... forbidden them to pay the rent for them. It's time for you to realise: the children are grown-up and want their own lives.

BORIS: But I want to give them of myself, my time, my attention. Finally, I have time for them and for you. I want us to be a real happy family.

MIA: You should have thought of that twenty years ago. All this time, I have been taking care of the children alone. And all that alongside a job that is much more demanding than yours. Do you have any idea what the dynamic is like at our insurance company? All I managed to get you to do was to go to the parent/teacher meetings and information sessions, because I was too embarrassed to go there and hear how terribly they were behaving. And they behaved terribly because their father was never home.

BORIS: But I was a travelling salesman, so how could I have been at home?
MIA: You could have been if you wanted to.

BORIS: So only you are coming mushroom picking on Saturday.
MIA: What about the riding club? What about Pegasus?

BORIS: Please. Don't you let me down, too... Besides, I have put together a plan for the coming month, a plan on spending the next four weekends with you and our children... alright then, they could take turns, our son with us one weekend and our daughter the next, but I expect at least that, that's what I want and demand. I have to make up for all those years when I neglected you all, and that's the way it's going to be, like it or not. I am still the head of this family. And now I'm going to take a shower and then we can sit down and eat and talk in peace.
(Boris exits.)
(Mia turns towards the audience.)

MIA: It's really hopeless with these husbands. In the first phase, at the beginning of married life, they are with you every second, and then in the second phase, which lasts twenty or thirty years, you hardly ever see them, and then, all of a sudden, comes the third phase in which they never even leave the house. Just so that there is no misunderstanding: despite the external similarity, the first and third phase have nothing essentially in common. Because the first phase remains unique, since no-one ever stepped in the same water twice, as that Greek said... And what can I do with him now, when he's in the house the whole day long. What are we supposed to talk about? Unlike me, he never reads books, he is not interested in films, concerts get on his nerves, and he knows nothing about fashion. I can't talk all day about mushrooms, sport and the price of the articles sold by his travelling salesmen. When I was a young wife with small, naughty, hyperactive children, I thought I would go mad, because my husband was not home. But now I know that I shall definitely go mad with him here all the time.