ORLANDO - (KRT) - Running off at the typewriter . . .

(Op-ed, The text is edited for CROWN)

I hate to admit it, but those global accusations that we Americans are hopelessly self-absorbed might just be the tiniest bit accurate. At the Magic's game with the Mavs on Tuesday night, a local sports writer asked Magic player Gordan Giricek about being from the "the same neck of the woods as (Germany's) Dirk Nowitzki." Giricek, who is from Croatia, looked puzzled. "What is this neck of woods?" he asked. "Europe?" Exactly. Adriatic Sea, Baltic Sea, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci_they're all the same, right? . . . And isn't it laughable that Giricek is called a rookie? He's 25 years old and has been playing for pay since he was 16. For crying out loud, he's an Eastern European LeBron James. New nickname: Croatian Sensation. . . . The only chance Iraq has is if Saddam hires the refs from the Miami-Ohio State game. . . . New tradition at UM baseball games: The Seventh-Inning Handout. It's great. Everybody gets up and sings, "Take Me Out to the Illegal Baseball Camp." . . . Former Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Dock Ellis confessed years ago that he tossed his no-hitter while high on LSD, and now David Wells admits he was "half-drunk" during his perfect game. Coming soon: Nolan Ryan confesses to throwing his seven no-hitters while eating quaaludes and drinking mushroom tea. And Don Larsen had this annoying habit of going to the resin bag. You wonder now if he was squeezing it or snorting it. . . .

Ed Martin, the Michigan fan who paid players such as Chris Webber, Jalen Rose and Robert Traylor hundreds of thousands of dollars while they were in college, passed away recently. And none of the aforementioned players attended the funeral. That's sad_sort of like one of those old spaghetti westerns where the outlaws take your money, then leave you to die.

Last word: "What really matters is whether the alphabet is used for the declaration of war or for the description of a sunrise."_Mr. Rogers.