Better HumorThan Tumor
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two
of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build The Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was
violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting
enough wood for theArk, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. Ifinally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to
save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals,
I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking
two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the
Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a
map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint
filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building
the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax
and failed to register the Ark as a recreational
watercraft." Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God
is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore
unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine
and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
You mean you are not going to destroy the
earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has."